Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell at the 70th annual Golden Globes
If the jokes at this year's Golden Globes had Adele "pissing" herself laughing, it's safe to say there was some pretty funny stuff coming off the stage at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's annual awards show Sunday evening.
That may have been hard to believe, though, after co-host Amy Poehler made the sobering revelation in the first five minutes of the show that when left untreated, the HFPA can lead to cervical cancer.
Poehler and her former "SNL" castmate Tiny Fey opened the show with some zingers — but not too many, in fear that, like Ricky Gervais, running afoul of the HFPA would force them to accept the punishment of hosting the show at least two more times. They praised Kathryn Bigelow's authority on the subject of torture ("I would trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron") and Anne Hathaway's role in "Les Misérables" ("I haven't seen someone so totally alone and abandoned since you were onstage with James Franco at the Oscars").
Of all the movies and television shows that were honored with nominations, this production got the biggest shaft in the awards department. Fey and Poehler dressed up as fake actors Damian Francisco and Darcy St. Budge, the stars of "Dog President," and were announced as nominees in the Best Actor and Actress in a Miniseries categories. Francisco, the professional volleyball player battling restless leg syndrome, later slipped onstage to gush over seeing "Bill Rodham Clinton" backstage.
"You Get Outta Here!"
Will Ferrell plus Kristen Wiig equals hilarious, at least during their comedic duet onstage Sunday as they introduced the nominees for Best Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy. In an impressive round of improvisation, they intentionally bungled the characters and plots of the nominees' films. "Meryl Streep? Hope Springs and she's the sassy sheriff!" It was all fun and games, until the camera flashed to Tommy Lee Jones, who looked like someone skinned his cat.
"A Much Happier Ending Than the Movie"
A more-behaved-than-usual Sacha Baron Cohen (with drink in hand) delivered an intro to the Best Animated Feature Film category riddled with jokes about his "Les Misérables" co-stars. "Russell Crowe had four months of singing lessons. That was money well spent. And Helena Bonham Carter gave the head of the Academy a personal massage, which I'm led to believe had a much happier ending than the movie."
"They Call Cookies Biscuits!"
According to Aziz Ansari, the cast of "Downton Abbey" had some really awesome weed backstage. And he can't feel his ears.
"I Can't Be Worse Than You"
Who speaks English better: Stallone or Schwarzenegger? The two aging action heroes made fun of each other's famously slurred and accented speech while ironically introducing the award for Best Foreign Language Film. In an additional twist of irony, the winning film happened to be from Austria ("Amour"), Schwarzenegger's native land.
"Look How Drunk Glenn Close Is!"
Poehler and Fey made a point to make fun of the fact that the show attendees should be half in the bag at the midway point of the show, with all that free booze going around. Golden Globe nominee Glenn Close ("Damages") played along, delivering an award-winning performance for the cameras.
"I Promised Myself I Would Thank Chad Lowe"
"Girls" producer and actress Lena Dunham made a point of tacking this extra thanks on to the end of her second acceptance speech of the evening. Why? "Because Hilary Swank forgot," she said to reporters in a post-show press conference, referring to the infamous dis Chad Lowe received from then-wife Hilary Swank in forgetting to thank him during her 2000 Oscar acceptance speech for "Boys Don't Cry."
From there the speech took all types of twists and turns, as she pseudo-came out of the closet, spurred (later clarified) retirement rumors by suggesting that she would hold a not-sparkly talking stick that may be "so quiet and delicate that only dogs can hear it whistle," and made a plea for more privacy, confirming that she is not, in fact, "Honey Boo Boo child." The speech deserved its own lifetime achievement in confusion: Some raved about it, others were just flat-out confounded.
2. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are the best: Everybody knew this before the Golden Globes even started. By explaining their own drinking game for the show last week, Fey and Poehler had already made the 2013 Golden Globes 100 percent more enjoyable, Their opening number, in which they took shots at James Cameron, James Franco, and "the rat-faced people of television," had more laughs than the entirety of other awards shows.
Their antics continued, posing as nominees for the ridiculous-sounding fictional movie Dog President, canoodling on George Clooney's lap, and even getting Daniel Day-Lewis to do the E.T. finger. The one complaint? There wasn't enough of them. But if Ricky Gervais gets to host three Golden Globes, then Fey and Poehler should be allowed host the next decade of award shows.
3. Hollywood loves Washington: Show business has a crush on its uglier counterpart, as politically themed T.V. shows and movies won the Hollywood Foreign Press's accolades. Homeland cleaned up the best television drama, best actor, and best actress awards, despite an uneven second season.
Game Change won for best miniseries or motion picture made for television, and Julianne Moore, while picking up her Globe for her portrayal of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, thanked Katie Couric and Tiny Fey for making "a significant difference in the 2008 election."