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Sunday, July 27, 2014

50 Shades of Grey

'Fifty Shades of Grey' trailer takes boring, cliché-filled book and makes it worse 

The film starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan would more accurately be titled ‘Fifty Shades of Beige.’ Yet somehow, the trailer racked up close to 12 million hits in only two days.

'50 Shades of Grey' Trailer Doesn't Play Rough Enough

The ridiculously anticipated "50 Shades of Grey" trailer finally came out, and some fans are losing their minds over leading man Jamie Dornan ... claiming he comes up short in one key department.

The ladies (and one guy) here at TMZ just don't see the, umm ... tie-me-down-chain-me-up-and-whip-the-hell-out-of-me-with-cat-o-nine-tails appeal they're seeking in a man.

Most of us are trying not to judge them for that. 


The first look at 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' with Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, is trailer trash.

Does your inner goddess sway to a victorious samba after a sexual assault in an elevator?
Can you hear a sphinx-like smile through the phone, (as opposed to — what? — hearing a sphinx-like smile in person?)?
Do you bite your lip every time you want to be cute?
Have you ever signed a contract promising not to defecate, engage in threesomes with big animals or small children, or use electric current and/or OB/GYN instruments while having sex with your guy?
Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) stare a steamy kiss in an elevator in a scene from the trailer.

Was the birth mother of your rippling muscled, mogul of a boyfriend a crack ’ho?
Have you ever had sex in a Red Room of Pain where you were handcuffed, hung from chains and smacked with a riding crop while pressed against a wooden cross?
Is your inner goddess, (yes, her again) victorious (yes, that again) because you didn’t gag during oral sex with said muscled mogul?

Jamie Dornan shows off his physique in a peek at the flick.

Do you roll your eyes so often that trained dogs think you’re about to have a seizure?
Do you use colors to signal danger (other than the Homeland Security terror-alert chart)?
No? Good.

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson star in the film adaptation of the E.L. James book.

Do you know what the hell I’m talking about?
Yes? Then you, my friend, are one of more than 100 million females (OK, supposedly 20 percent are male), who have plunked down good money for the book or e-book “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which is so bad you should be more ashamed of having paid for it than for answering “yes” to all of the above questions.
OK, I too am one of the 100 million shame-faced losers who paid for it. The download I mean. (That sounds bad.)

Why? Because some of my friends, albeit lonely friends, recommended it, that’s why. I should have kept my word and fixed them up with the fat guy from the deli because clearly you have to not have had good sex in 20 years to get a rush out of this thing.
And just when it was safe to return to the bookstore, three days ago the trailer of the movie hit, complete with a terrific, sexed-up version of “Crazy in Love” by Beyoncé. If the book was a cliché-riddled bore, the trailer is worse. It should be called “Fifty Shades of Beige.”
In it, Dakota Johnson (playing Anastasia Steele) and Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey) attempt to steam up the lift. The whole thing falls flatter and faster than a broken elevator from the 50th floor.
Right? No. I’m wrong, because in the first two days the trailer got close to 12 million hits.
So who is the audience for this rom-dumb? Mostly women over 50, and housewives home with the kids. And that 20% of men who must be even less sexually satisfied than the bored housewives and women over 50.
“Fifty Shades” author E. L. James knows her audience since she herself is a 51-year-old lady from England who looks like she would enjoy a nice beating from “Poor, f-ed up, kinky, philanthropic Christian.” Or any sex actually.
What is the top advice James dispenses on her website to all those lonely ladies out there? “Life is not a dress rehearsal — seize the day and follow your dreams.”
She should be in handcuffs just for writing that! There should be mandatory prison time for anyone who dares to include more than two clichés in one incomprehensible sentence.
Failing that, my inner goddess prefers handcuffs to be on criminals — you know, the kind that assault women in elevators.

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